


three words (eight letters)

by lunexr



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: !!!!, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Changpil, Drowning, F/M, Gay Male Character, I Love You, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lee Felix is Whipped, Lee Felix-centric, Love Confessions, M/M, Please Kill Me, Sad, Sort Of, Unrequited Love, changlix, fem! hyunjin, poem, poor felix, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 11:37:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16304465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunexr/pseuds/lunexr
Summary: it's funny how much words can hurt





	three words (eight letters)

**Author's Note:**

> HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING!!!  
> this is really bad im sorry

 

~~three words (eight letters) reserved for you~~

 

 

 

it all started with ten words (forty-two letters)

"hey felix, i'd like you to meet my girlfriend hyunjin."

echoing pain, that begun by edging it's way in felix's heart, started then, with those ten words (forty-two letters)

_what about me?_

 

 

nine words (thirty-six letters)

"oh my god, finally. you took your fucking time."

he replied with nine words (thirty-six letters) and a fake smile that tore him apart.

_don't forget me._

 

 

 

eight words (thirty-one letters)

"i'm really happy for you guys! good luck."

eight words (thirty-one letters) that helped felix lie his way through the night. it hurt to smile. it hurt to smile at changbin, but he endured it all. he covered every slip of a smile with a lie, and every slip of a lie with a smile. but changbin didn't care, he was with hyunjin. they were happy, felix was not. so he lied again.

_'you're cute together!'_

they weren't. they weren't cute together. no one was cute together, not like felix and changbin could've been.

_we could've been_

 

 

 

seven words (twenty-eight letters)

"don't worry about me, i'm fine, really."

seven words (twenty-eight letters) that felix had overused the past year, clinging to them as if they were a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, trying to haul himself out of the water to safety. because maybe, if he said those words enough, he would start to believe them. he would be okay and he would finally be safe from the ruthless waves of the ocean, waiting to devour him. but he wasn't safe, even though he was clinging to the lifeboat. he wasn't safe when he was watching his only real chance at safety drift away slowly to the edge of the horizon, unreachable.

all he could do is let himself drown.

_drowning in love._

drowning alone, in an ocean of unrequited love. watching his life boat sail away, unaware of his cries for help, his begging pleads. unaware of him. the only thing felix could do to save himself was to let go of the seven words (twenty-eight letters) and tell the truth. but he could never bring himself to, scared of the consequences of confessing your true feelings. so he clung on to the lifeboat tearfully as changbin disappeared into the horizon.

_nothing lasts forever._

 

 

 

six words (twenty-two letters)

"i proposed to her on sunday."

six words (twenty-two letters) was all it took to completely break felix's heart, shatter it mercilessly as everyone else cheered. felix couldn't. he could barely even smile, but he did, for changbin. because no matter how much it hurt him, it would make changbin happy, and he didn't matter, changbin did. so he pushed himself to smile until everyone left, until he couldn't smile anymore and let the tears fall. the same image of changbin and hyunjin permanently glued in his mind as he sobbed, head in his hands and knees against his chest. a part of him dying inside as he thought how bright changbin's smile was with hyunjin, how he could never make him smile like that. all he wanted was to make changbin happy, but he never could.

_i'm never enough._

changbin popped felix's lifeboat, his only other hope of safety, leaving him drifting aimlessly, alone. no land or help nearby, only water. only pain. he tried so hard but he couldn't continue on that any further, he was going to drown, deserted in the middle of the ocean. changbin was too far off into the horizon for felix to see, he was never going to catch up to him. this was it, he couldn't breathe.

_you love her._

 

 

 

five words (eighteen letters)

"i can't do this anymore."

five words (eighteen letters) that infiltrated felix's thoughts as he watched changbin and hyunjin enter the room with matching rings and intertwined hands.

felix couldn't do it anymore. he couldn't smile, he couldn't speak. so he just left. not like anyone noticed anyways, they were all too focused on cheering on changbin and hyunjin.

_it's never me._

he was always alone, even with someone standing right next to him, he was still drowning. the dark water continued threatening to enter his mouth but he kept it shut, the instinct to not let any water in too strong. he could barely tell he was crying as he sunk down, tears mixed with the numbing water. sinking down. down. each meter he sunk, the more air he needed. his lungs were burning, aching for air. but he couldn't supply them.

_i'm so pathetic._

_i never mattered._

the pain was unbearable, he just wanted it to end. shame there was only one escape.

_time doesn't heal._

it's scary how willing he was to leave.

 

 

 

four words (fourteen letters)

"how have you been?"

four words (fourteen letters) changbin asked felix on their first phone call in two months, not knowing it would be their last. felix tried to work out what to say as the cool night breeze of seoul danced through his hair. that was the last time he was going to feel it, so he tried to let it absorb him. basking in the chilly air, his bare feet pattered against the pavement as he walked, phone still next to his ear. he could hear changbin's soft breaths ghosting on the screen, awaiting his answer.

_don't worry changbin,_

felix breathed in again, though he could barely feel the air enter his lungs. he was leaving soon, but he was still drowning.

_i'll be happier,_

he decided to say it, to tell changbin how he's doing. he deserves to know anyways, they were best friends.

_you'll be happier._

 

 

 

three words (eight letters)

"i love you."

three words (eight letters) marked the second last thing felix was ever going to say to changbin, and also the bravest thing he'd ever done.

_you and i,_

felix could feel the water pushing up against him more, barging into his mouth as he gave in to the cries of his lungs. he let out a final scream before letting it take him. then everything ceased to hurt.

_never meant anything._

 

 

 

two words (seven letters)

"i'm sorry"

two words (seven letters) was the expected reply that felix received, he was okay with it though. he knew what was going to happen before he even accepted the call. but even the knowledge that it was going to happen didn't stop the heartache. it didn't stop his last straw of hope from being shattered. still, he continued to march on forwards, trying his best to push away the numbness of a broken heart. he tried to distract himself by replaying the two words in his head. those were the last two words changbin was ever going to say to him. it's funny that. changbin was apologising for something he couldn't control.

_you never change._

a silence absorbed their conversation as felix came to a stop. he'd arrived. and though he was supposed to be happy, he could only ever feel numb, alone. he tried to force himself to smile, for changbin. changbin would be happy if his last expression was a smile. he wanted to make changbin happy, but he couldn't see him right then, wouldn't see him ever again.

_always be happy,_

_even without me._

he knew changbin was going to ask where he was, what he's doing, why he said that. so he spoke, one last time.

_farewell now, friend_

 

 

 

 

one word (seven letters)

"goodbye."

one word (seven letters) was the last thing felix ever said before he stepped off the edge. before he let himself fall.

 

_it's funny how much words can hurt._


End file.
